The Last Thing I Want
by greendaylegacy
Summary: James Diamond is an assasin. He doesn't care about anyone or anything but Logan Mitchell, a man who he's known and loved since birth. Logan hacks computers. Logan is afraid of James. What happens when James goes missing?
1. I Can't Stop

A/N: So, this is long time coming, yes? Well, at least for me, in my head. I hope you enjoy, because if you don't, gnomes will rape you in your sleep. It will be quick and painless, but you bet your ass it'll happen. You will read and review accordingly, because, well…such things make me happy. So read, children.

Disclaimer: If I owned Big Time Rush, ooohh man. *daydreams* BUT I DON'T.

Extra things to know: This IS AU. James is a mercenary with bipolar disorder and psychotic tendencies. Logan is a computer hacker that's seen way too much for him to handle.

Chapter 1: I Can't Stop.

It hurts.  
>I look at him, and my guts just burn.<br>I look into his big brown, beautiful eyes.  
>He's like…like a handsome shark.<br>You know the kind that eats the organisms weaker than they are?

I stood up in the coffee shop, gathered my things, and proceeded to leave.  
>My gaze travelled up and down James one last time before sweeping out the door.<br>His eyes flickered up to mine in recognition.  
>There was a sliver of something, but it vanished when the people around him tried to get his attention.<br>Then, liquid turned into a hollow solid, and he was a monster again.

"Bye Logan." He called, his voice washing over my skin like the softest of velvets.

I hugged my laptop closer, and chewed my lips anxiously.

"B-bye Jamie." I replied, nodding at him a little bit.

I exited as quickly as I could.  
>Like I said before.<br>My stomach hurts when I see him.

-James' POV-

He was afraid of me.  
>Everything betrayed what Logan was feeling, from his expression, to the cracks in his voice, to the way he held himself.<br>Almost like he was begging the floor to swallow him whole.  
>He was <em>afraid <em>of me.

"Alright, Diamond. You're keeping the bitches frightened. I like the way you work."

My eyes flickered over to one of the men sitting next to me.  
>I didn't even know his name, and he was <em>talking to me?<em>

I dug in my pockets for a little packet of formaldehyde.  
>When the guy wasn't looking, I poured it in his coffee.<p>

"I'm leaving." I took my time gathering my things, staying just long enough to watch the man take a large gulp of his drink.

He began foaming at the mouth, little bits of blood dribbling own his chin.  
>I inhaled and smiled viciously.<p>

"You really shouldn't call my Logie a bitch. That's my job. Enjoy the painful death, fucker."

I swept out of the shop, just as bystanders began to notice the incident.

I thought of Logan.  
>I thought of how he never let me touch him anymore.<br>Sure, he did what I told him.  
>After all, I was the boss and he was the computer hacker.<br>He flinched every time I came near him.

I pulled out my pack of smokes and lit up, taking a puff.

What did I want?

I'm James Diamond.

I have everything.

Except Logan.

Logan's touch.

Logan's taste.

Logan's smell.

Logan's _love._

What happened to all that?

Oh, yeah.  
>I kill people for a living.<br>I have no soul.  
>I'm a monster.<p>

So I called him.

"J-Jamie?" His voice wavered. "Can I help you?"

I sighed. "Hello to you too, Logan. Can you meet me somewhere? We need to talk."

I heard his breath catch. "Yeah. I'm at Starbucks."

I frowned. "You were just at Jump Java."

"I didn't like the people you were with."

I rubbed my temples.

"I'll be there. See you in a few."

Logan hung up.  
>I could almost imagine him flushing pink and breathing hard.<br>He'd run a hand through his hair and chew his lips anxiously.  
>Then, he'd try to make himself composed, but I'd still notice the cute little things he missed.<p>

I got in my car and drove over to Starbucks.  
>I pulled up and parked next to his silver Mazda.<br>He sat in the far corner, I noticed, as I walked inside the shop.  
>Was he trying to hide?<br>His hazel eyes were guarded as I sat on the opposing bench of the booth.

"Hi Logie."

"Hey Jamie."

It was like we were kids again, and he was the confident, intelligent, in-your-face kid with the pretty smile, and I was the shy and insecure kid that hid behind the box full of Hot Wheels in class all the time.

Now the roles were switched.  
>And Logan never smiled for me anymore.<p>

I laced my fingers together and watched him.

"How are you?" I murmured.

Logan raised an eyebrow.

"Cut the bullshit, please. What do you want from me?"

I frowned.  
>Could I not just ask how he was feeling?<br>How his life was?

"I don't want anything from you, except to know how you are. Jesus, Logan."

I rubbed the star tattoo between my forefinger and thumb a little nervously as his mouth tightened.  
>Shit.<br>I knew that look.  
>He was about to blow up.<p>

"Please don't be mad at me, Logie."

"Don't be _MAD?_ Fucking hell, James! You say that all the time, and then I trust you, and then you do something again!" Logan's hands were shaking as he ran them through his hair.

I chewed my bottom lip. "Logan-"

"SHUT UP, James! I have to clean up after your messes. I can't even count the many times I've lost a little bit more of myself when I watch you KILL someone!" There were tears streaming down his cheeks now, and he fell silent.

I was speechless as Logan laid his head in his arms.

"James?" His voice was muffled and teary.

"Yeah?"

"C-can you kiss me like you used to when we were younger? Make me forget everything for a while." Logan peeked at me through the gap in his arms.

I chewed my thumb, and then separated his arms.  
>He lifted his head, eyes wide.<p>

"Please."

I shouldn't.

But I hadn't ever been able to deny him anything, really.

So I kissed him.  
>Like always, it was like tasting sunshine.<br>He gave a content little sigh, and tangled his fingers in my hair.  
>I hadn't felt this, felt <em>him <em>in so long.  
>It was better than drugs, better than killing.<br>Better than anything I'd ever gotten a rush from.

"Jesus, Logan. Why do you ask me to do that if you know I'm just going to fuck up again?" I whispered between gentle kisses.

I cradled his face in my hands and began kissing the tears away.  
>Salty.<p>

"Why do you keep on killing, James?" He countered.

I looked at him.

"I can't stop."

"I can't either."

"What can't you stop?" I kissed him again.

Logan caressed the side of my face once, and then pulled away.

"I can't stop…any of this. Loving you. Hating you. Fearing you. Fearing for you. This want, _no, _this _need._ I can't stop." He smiled brokenly. "I have to go now."

I stood, shaking my head. "No…no you can't go just yet. Please stay, Logie. Please."

Logan got up as well, kissing two of his fingers and pressing them to my lips.

"Bye for now, Jamie. I have to go." His hand slipped away, and I watched as he left.

-Logan's POV-

Everything was numb.  
>I kept reminding myself that James was just on one of his lows.<br>His moods changed like the direction of the wind.  
>Fleeting.<br>Just another memory that would be forgotten.

Knowing that made it worse.

I ran into someone, lost in my musings.

"Oh, sorry." I gave a faint, apologetic smile to the woman that I'd mowed over.

She was pretty.  
>Blonde hair.<br>Blue eyes.  
>Straight teeth.<br>Fancy business suit.

"It's okay." She smiled back, and disappeared into the coffee shop.

I kept walking.

James.  
>James.<br>James.

I wouldn't be able to sleep tonight.  
>Might as well make the most of it.<br>I'd work on that program James needed.

-James' POV-

I restrained myself when some broad sat at my table, right where Logan had been sitting.  
>The Lord was testing my patience.<p>

"Can I fucking help you?" I growled, a muscle jumping in my jaw.

She flipped her blonde hair over her shoulder and smiled sunnily.

"Yes, you can."

I felt something press against the artery in my thigh, then like an electric shock.  
>A fucking Taser.<p>

I passed out, cursing my stupidity.


	2. What Even Matters

A/N: Well, I'm glad you all like the first chapter, even though I kind of didn't write a closing A/N. I'm a terrible person, I know. Never fear. I will bid thee farewell at the end of today's humble post. As a continuation of my shameless self-promotion, I do have Kames one-shot that you should all go read. (If you like that sort of thing.) And now, as I hear your battle cries for more, I shall let glorious words flow forth from the deep, dark, pit I call my mind.

Disclaimer: If I owned, d'you seriously think I'd have to post my stories on FF? No. They'd be episodes.

Chapter 2: What Even Matters

I tapped at the keyboard furiously, my eyes scanning the programming for any faults or defects.  
>Absolutely flawless.<br>James would be pleased.

My eyes flickered over to the wall clock briefly before returning to the screen.  
>It was nine a.m.<p>

I wondered where James was.  
>What he was thinking about.<br>If I had even crossed _his_ mind once in the previous twelve hours.

I stared at my phone, and then shook my head.  
>Work.<br>Don't think about him.  
>Don't think about how good he felt yesterday.<br>Don't think about how he tasted.  
>Don't think about how you want more.<p>

It was like carving an ice sculpture out of an iceberg.

My phone rang, and I swear I jumped out of my skin.

"Hello?" I murmured quickly, running a hand through my hair.

"Logan."

"_Carlos?_" I stood and walked over to the window, moving aside curtains to make sure no one was creeping.

I rubbed my eyes and sat at the table in the kitchen.

"I thought you were still at the Hoag." I hissed, pushing some buttons on a device on the wall to jam any signals that could be roaming.

"I was. I escaped." He sounded hushed.

My cousin had been in a high-security prison for four years, ever since someone flipped his switch and taken Kendall from him.  
>So, he found Kendall.<p>

Carlos was bodily thrown into prison, and Kendall unrightfully was moved into a mental hospital.

Well, almost unrightfully.  
>Kendall had been kidnapped and used for sex for six and a half months.<br>That knocked him off his rocker a little bit.

Carlos had killed everyone in the building Kendall had been held in.  
>I hadn't expected him to get out of the Hoag for another twenty years.<p>

"What do you want, Carlos?"

"Well, a place to stay would be nice. Also, I need to recuperate. Escaping from a high-security prison was not without a struggle."

I sighed, but knew that my cousin would wind up on my couch anyway.  
>He <em>was<em> extremely reliable.  
>And maybe he could help with James.<p>

"Alright. You in the city?"

There was a pained grunt. "Yeah. I'm almost to the house. Bye."

The tone went dead, and I set my phone on the table.  
>Grand.<br>Carlos would probably want to break Kendall out of the nut house.  
>Not that I was opposed, or anything.<br>It was just going to be insane.

-James' POV-

When I woke, all I could see was white.  
>My arms were pinned to my sides.<br>There was a muzzle over my face.

"Good afternoon, Mr. Diamond."

My eyes adjusted to the bright, harsh light in the white room.  
>When I saw the woman from the coffee shop, my shoulders tensed.<br>No, I did not begin to scream and yell.  
>No, I did not begin to panic.<br>Yes, I did realize that I was in a straightjacket.

I did try to speak though.

"Oh, no no no. You aren't allowed to speak. Here, in this penitentiary, you have no voice. Everyone thinks you're crazy. Even if you aren't. No one listens to crazy people." Her laugh was fluttery.

A thousand ideas flitted though my mind.  
>No voice?<br>Challenge accepted.

"Yes, that's right. Keep calm. The insanity will bleed faster." She squatted next to the plastic door of my white room. "If you aren't crazy already, you will be soon." She whispered.

I tugged at the straightjacket, irritated.

Her smile was that of a predator.

"Every. Little. Thing. Will start to bother you. The sound of cloth scratching against your skin. The squeak of the night guard's shoes against the floor. The vibration of a fly's wings. This is what you deserve. So you will endure."

I lifted a calculating eyebrow.  
>Did this ho really think she could get away with this?<p>

"Your beauty does not matter in this place. Nor does your riches. Or infamy. You must understand that _no one cares about you._"

I just stared.

"However, I am not unkind. Across from you is a…cellmate of sorts. Kendall Knight has not spoken in four years. Maybe you two will become friends." She stood and walked away, leaving me to get my first look of the Kendall Knight. "This room?" She called. "It will be your grave."

I decided to ignore that.

The first thing I noticed was the vulnerability in his crystal green eyes.  
>Just like Logan.<br>He was in a cross legged position near the door of his cell, just gazing curiously back at me.  
>Dusty blonde hair.<br>Tiny frame.  
>The insanity flickered like a bad film in his eyes.<br>Like something too sharp.  
>Something that shouldn't be there.<p>

But then there was a scary level of sanity and intelligence that I could see in him clearly.

I didn't know what to think of him.

-Carlos' POV-

I got to Logan's place, and passed out on the couch almost immediately.  
>My sleep was restless, though.<br>I suppose that was because I was used to sleeping with one eye open.  
>There were flashes of things, like Logan talking on the phone.<br>Logan freaking out.  
>Logan crying.<br>Logan tapping something up on his laptop ridiculously fast.  
>Logan crying some more.<p>

When I finally came all the way to, my cousin sat on the edge of the table, hazel eyes hollow.

"S'wrong, Logie?" I mumbled sleepily, rubbing my face and sitting up.

His expression was that of a man who had everything, but lost the one thing, the _only thing_ that mattered.

"They can't find James." He whispered huskily.

I watched as he buried his face in his hands.  
>An action I myself had committed so many times in the past four years.<p>

I stood and wrapped Logan in a hug.

"Shh. I know how it feels. I know it hurts so fucking bad, you can't stand it." I whispered, rubbing his back soothingly. "You feel like, now that he's gone, you don't have anything to live for."

Logan nodded miserably.

"Logan."

He lifted his face upwards, a disinterested expression on his face.

"What are you going you do to get him back?"

A/N: There you go, hoes. New chapter ready for its routine review-molesting. Get to it.


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